It was as small as a mustard seed at times...but it was something. And sometimes thats all he asks of us. This is an excerpt taken from my journal in September...early in the journey of learning to grasp the mustard seeds when they come along!!
Wednesday was a really hard day for me. I knew Life groups were starting up and I missed my girls. I spent Tuesday night with a small group of doulas—and while I left there feeling thankful for some time with women, I also left there feeling discouraged about starting my business new in this very hard area—I know I have a long road ahead of me.
Wednesday afternoon got even harder after the phone call from the realtor to discuss why they house is not having viewings and potential issues with foundation damage. I hung up sick with worry.
Then Wednesday afternoon I received a word from "C"—that she had got while starting the book on the names of God. The name was 'Elohim' = The Sovereign, Mighty Creator. One of the facets of 'Elohim' is He makes covenants with His people. And he made one with Abraham in Genesis. In this covenant, God commanded Abram to do 3 things: 1. leave his country, 2. leave his relatives (friends), 3. travel to a land that God would show him. "When you fully obey My first words, I'll continue to speak to you." And " C" then said to me “God loves radical obedience and he trusts those that obey even when they do not understand and do not see the layout of the future. He loves you Lesley!! He trusts you with much because you obey much!!!.”
I read these words and felt first thankful and then immediately discouraged. Read on.
Thursday morning I woke up for my early morning time with the Lord and decided to just be honest. ( I am re-reading through the Gateway devotional “ In Jesus Name” and Wednesday was on honest prayer.) Being honest with the Lord. So I was….in my journal I wrote that I felt I was in this place of grasping at a mustard seed size of faith at this point. We had been obedient—we had picked up everything and left--- when many days I thought leaving my husband and running home with my kids was a much better answer. BUT here we stood on this desolate island that has little choices for churches, while our home is not selling and may end up costing thousands of dollars in repairs that we just don’t have, the home we live in now is managed by awful people who I am constantly in confrontation with about money, repairs and getting what we have paid for. I am dealing with debilitating migraines again and I think the weather here is part culprit. I can’t afford to join a gym, so I physically feel bad. Trying to serve doula clients feels very daunting right now and I wonder how I will ever do my job well when I have been away for so long and have no idea when I will get to attend a birth again. The list goes on---but it all brings me to this point of feeling like I am grasping for something from the Lord—ANYTHING to feel that what we did was right and he SEE’S it.
I then went into my morning devotional for Thursday…called Pinpoint Obedience. The general point was being obedient any time you heard that small voice, nudge so that you could audibly begin to hear Gods voice. I have never felt I struggled in hearing Gods voice in general—yes there were times he seemed silent but for the most part, I feel that God really speaks to me and I hear him. But the past few weeks I have struggled hearing his voice when he is talking ABOUT me. I hear him when I am praying for others, I hear his nudge of placing people on my heart, but I get nothing when I am asking for hope, guidance, something for ME. But as I continued reading this devotional, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. This was shared in that days lesson “Years ago, I found myself geographically removed from family, friends, church and ministry … from everything familiar. In the midst of crying, I asked God, “Why? Why did you take me away from everything and everyone I know? What’s the purpose?” His answer still resonates in my spirit: “What if I brought you here so I could have you to Myself?” At that moment, I surrendered to God’s plan for my life with a renewed sense of wonderment and expectation. If I hadn’t heard His voice in the middle of my storm, I would’ve continued under an emotional cloud without clear purpose.”
While I am not sure if I have complete surrendered to his plan with wonderment, this did speak directly to my heart. I felt like the Lord spoke THOSE words to me in that moment. Again---reiterating the covenant that the Lord made---to take one away from everything they know so they can just hear HIM. Sigh. I felt like I spent the entire last year in a place where I was just to hear from him ---does he really want me all alone so I can hear him again? ( yes I know—dumb question but you have those moments when you want to ask the Lord, seriously can’t a I get a little break from learning and growing…maybe a yearlong one??)
These were the last words that stuck with me in finishing that devotional “As intentional as we are about praying, God is just as intentional about speaking. If we’re speaking, God isn’t. We have to be silent— “hush”—to hear His voice. If we don’t learn to listen, we may miss something God wants to say. Proverbs 8:6–7a (nlt) says, “Listen to me! For I have important things to tell you.”
So I finished my quiet time knowing the Lord had directly spoken to me through those words… I prayed that I would hear him and that he would speak TO me, ABOUT me. Although…in all honestly, I was not feeling much hope.
A few hours later I went in my bathroom and saw my Jesus Calling book...realized I had not read it and picked it up. These were the words that jumped off the page for me…”There is no place so desolate that you cannot find Me there.
"When Hagar fled from her mistress, Sarah, into the wilderness, she thought she was utterly alone and forsaken. But Hagar encountered Me in that desolate place. There she addressed Me as the Living One who sees me. Through that encounter with My Presence, she gained courage to return to her mistress.
No set of circumstances could ever isolate you from My loving Presence. Not only do I see you always; I see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in My righteousness. That is what I take great delight in you and rejoice over you with singing!”
At this point I just sat down and cried. I hear him saying over and over—through "C’s" word, through my devotional and through this word---you are called into this isolate place BUT. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
I went about my day…thinking back throughout about what I KNOW was meant for me over the past 24 and wondering how I can take it all and change my outlook and feelings. Later in the afternoon I received a message from our old neighbor. I was driving down the seawall as it played in my ear---something about a pipe shooting water from our home in Ft Worth, neighbors saw it, city was called and had to shut our water off…more details if we call back. The slam in my chest was sudden—I literally thought I would vomit right then—all these thoughts through my head—water damage, flooding, money on top of the possibility of foundation damage—oh Lord I can’t do this anymore. And then in the next second I heard a voice so audibly, I glanced at my passenger seat because I was certain it had come from right next to me. “ Focus on me. Focus on my face. NO—don’t look that way, don’t look ahead—focus on me. You must keep your focus on me---even when it’s scary. Focus on me, Focus on me. “
Wow. So with all I had—I kept focusing on him. Even as I was driving ready to burst into tears, fearful of what could be ahead—I focused. Later that night I talked with "T" who went to the Ft Worth house and found out that this water pipe break was minor---a piece of pipe and that the city would fix it. No worries for us. Wow. Ok…so there we have me finally being obedient and the Lord showing favor for that obedience.
But how quickly we forget. On Saturday I received the review from the Foundation engineer. A minor fix in the scheme of foundation work—but work that would cost an estimate of $3500-$5000 to get fixed. A quick conversation with our realtor revealed that we could not sell this home without this work being done. The longer we take to do the work, the longer it will be before our house can sell. In an instant I felt like I was going to hyperventilate again---I held it together through our conversation, went in the other room, shared the news with Shea and was overcome with sobs. Lord where are you?? We can not take one more blow—we do not have any more places to get money—how are we going to do this? I felt his voice again—much quieter now, remind me to focus on his face. But this time I didn’t want to listen---I shut it down and let myself continue to wallow in my pity and cry throughout the day. The next morning I got up early for my first ( since we have been here) run on the beach. I knew I needed some time with the lord and this would make me get outside, connect with the place he brought us and make me think. )
AS I was making my way down the seawall, crying out my prayers to him while sweating like a pig ( at 6:30am I might add—oh the humidity!!) He again gently nudged me to focus on his face. The dialogue in my head was “ yes I know you want me to focus on your face—but how can I? I cant let THIS go? I cant let my self stop worrying—who will take care of it then?” ( yes you may be laughing but you know you have thought this same thing!”) And that’s when I realized—he just wanted me to let loose of my hold of this burden—I don’t have to carry it like a 100lb weight for it to get fixed or attention.
I think in my infinite brain I feel that if I don’t worry, then it won’t be a priority. I was reminded that over the past 4 weeks, every morning I lay the sale of our house at his feet, and then try not to pick it up again for the rest of the day. Most days I do well—only because to think about it brings me to tears—so I don’t let myself. I give it to him and then let it go for that day. But I have to do it every. Single. Morning. This is what he was asking of me to do with this foundation issue. Focus on him—and let him worry about it. I still played tu-o-war with him for the next 45 minutes over it—but by the time I came home, I was ready to loosen my grip and lessen my worry. I have NO IDEA how this is gonna resolved itself—I am throwing around of ideas of getting a credit card ( we don’t own ANY) just to pay for this. Now while I don’t know if that’s what we will do ( I hope not!), it made me realize that not all hope is lost.
Here I sit a few days later ----same issues, same desolate island, same financial struggles…but this time trying not to carry it all alone. I still can’t see how this is going to all be done without a miracle, but I am trying to focus on his face and let my very lonely, stressed out self, gently rest back on his chest and let him handle it. It’s been some serious days of learning from the Lord—and each moment I wonder if I Will remember this lesson tomorrow, next week or next month. I am hoping so…and if not, you guys remind me!!---September 4, 2012
Isn't it funny how the Lord can speak to us--but sometimes we don't' want to to listen or just straight out do not want to obey! ( hello--first time obedience did not happen here--I totally deserved a spanking!) But he kept speaking--and I grasped my little mustard seed...and he brought us through. Some days all feel's hopeless--but grasp your mustard seed...and he will do the rest!!
Amen! God had a plan all along...and He carried you through it! I love reading your heart! Thank you Lesley! xoxo
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