"Tell of how I worked"

 Do you ever get perplexed when people talk about hearing God speak? Or are you one of those who clearly hears from the Lord? I have been in both places. But for the past few years, I feel I have come to recognize his voice more clearly. I actually think it takes practice  to hear the Lord. Last week the pastor at our church said something to the affect of this "if you wonder if it's God speaking to you--look at what it is you are being called to do. If it's something that you can ONLY do with him by your side, its likely you are hearing from the Lord!"

 Sometimes I am still  in awe that I can actually hear God speak. Now don't get me wrong--there are many days I question if its really his voice. Or I have those other days where I want to scream out to him  "please say something, anything. Has our phone connection gone dead? I need to hear something!!"

 You will here me talk a lot about hearing God's voice on this blog, becasue really, thats how God has worked in my life so much. In my darkest moments he has spoken. In my desperate days, he has spoken. And when all else has failed me, he has worked...and spoken.

One really great way to hear the Lord speak is to actually talk to him. I don't mean just praying where your speaking to him--I mean a real conversation with him. Where you ask questions and wait for a reply.

The way this blog came to be, is because of God's words to me. Because I asked him some pretty straight forward questions.

Last spring, I took an equipping class at my church. But this was not just any class, this was a women's leadership class. A class that had been closed except by invite only  in the past, but now they had opened it up to see how it could grow more leaders in the women's ministry of the church.

I admit--I felt special being there---but for the life of me couldn't understand WHY I was there. I knew it had been orchestrated perfectly for me to attend this 4 week session, but I just didn't get it. Why did I need to learn more about women's ministry leadership? On the second class--our speaker gave us some homework. She told us to go home and talk to God about this class--she gave us some specific questions we were to ask him.
 So, with my journal and pen in my hand, I started to ask God some of these questions. ( I will share some, but not all..some are still a little private--even for me! )

Lord, why do you have me in this equip class? Why am I in a class on leadership?

....I am preparing you for your calling. Learn how to lead my people.

Lord, how can I can I possibly lead? My stuff/life is a jumbled mess!

Tell your story. The stories where I worked.

Lord who do I tell it to? How will that lead?  (thinking in my head, my story ain't leading anyone to anything except what NOT to do!!)

Show them me. Tell them how I healed you.  How I gave you freedom. Let them see me in you.

 And in the next moment, I put my pen down, and just looked at the words on the paper. And it was as if I was looking at a bible--I saw where I had written my questions in black ink and where the Lord had spoken, the words looked red. ( they were not really written in red but thats how it looked as I glanced at this documented conversation!) 

Now do I really think that the Lord has this calling on my life to go and speak to millions and lead others in some major significant lesson--no, I don't...at least not yet. But I do think he was telling me to do what I am doing now...telling my story. Sharing with people how he worked in my life. Because the thing is...I am not anything special. And if he can work in my life, he can work in yours. And if he can speak to me ( in what appears to be bright red ink!!), he can speak to you.


Wonder where he is at this low moment in your life--ask him.
 Wonder where he was in a past event that was maybe ugly and painful...ask him.
Wonder why you are in the place you are in, RIGHT now in life...ask him.

I truly believe he wants to tell us these things. He may speak it, he may show it in a picture, or he may say it through scripture...but just as he wants to know us, he wants us to know HIM.


-----LS

The Battle

As the 22yr old girl paid for her purchases at the convenient store, she was surprised at how normal  every one around her seemed. She made certain not to make eye contact with the cashier--she really didn't want him to be the last face she saw. It was chilly on this mid-November Denver night-but there was no snow on the ground, so the roads were clear. She didn't really know where she was going until she arrived--just knew she was heading towards her favorite place of Red Rocks amphitheater, where maybe she might feel peaceful. In the seat next to her was a bottle of pills, a bag with some paper, a pen, and some family pictures. She put the newly purchased bottle of vodka and fountain drink next to the bag--and drove. She ended up on a mountain ridge near her beloved Red Rocks--pulled over and mixed the magic "elixir" that she thought might do what she needed it to do. From the moment she woke up that morning, she knew today was the day. She had gone through her work day believing that every person she saw and every task she performed--would be the last time for each.  The crazy thing was she never really second guessed her decision--although she was sad as she saw her roommates for the last time earlier in the evening, all she could think was it all just needs to end. The pain, the sadness, the feeling like I don't belong--it just needs to end.

So her plan to commit suicide on that quiet November 16th evening, proceeded. She grabbed a handful of pills and washed them down with her "mixed" drink. She was out of the car standing at the edge of the hill, looking down at the busy highway below. She never planned on jumping, but just felt she needed to be outside to do this. As she continued to sip from her drink, she kept waiting for the numbness to set in. Waiting for the world to start to look a little dimmer and her life to begin to fade into the background. But the apposite began to happen. As the moments slowly ticked by, she started seeing  images in her mind. The first was a picture  of her baby sister--except her sister was grown up and she didn't look well. She saw people whispering around her sister and they were saying that she was the girl whose sister had killed herself  years before. The next image was of her mom, many years down the road. Except her mom also did not look like herself--she appeared as a shell of what she had once looked like. She too had been struck by years of grieving for her first born who had taken her own life on a hillside one cold November night. The images began to blur as the girl on the hill began crying. The next image she saw flash through her mind was that of her best friend--they had been friends for years and were as close as any two humans possibly could be. The image was of her best friend years later, also broken and worn down from grief. She had known the girl better than anyone--so how could she have committed suicide and she not know how bad things were. The girl on the hill began to feel a pain in her heart at that moment. Her best friend did not know how bad things were because the girl had not told her. She had committed to her act of making things look ok on the outside for so many years, even her closest friends could not know how deeply sad she was.

The girl began to get angry---she did not want to feel this pain now. She had felt like she had hurt for soo long already--why did she need to feel this now. Why was she seeing these images that were literally breaking her heart? She had made the decision, she was going through with it, so why now did she begin to actually FEEL anything.

She took some big drinks and wrapped her hands around another handful of pills. But before she could get them to her mouth, she was paralyzed with another image/thought. Once this was done, where would she be? Where was she going to end up when she died? She had lived her entire life loving Jesus and serving him, but what if there was the chance that she might not end up in heaven if she took her own life? She tried to grasp at any scripture she could recall to make the answer clear, but none would come to mind. Her thoughts began to scream in her head " oh god I dont want to die if I am not going to heaven!" And then the walls broke. She stumbled back to her car sobbing, wondering what she had done. In that moment, she knew she could not go through with her plan. She picked up her phone, dialed her best friend and through sobs, tried to tell her where she was at and what she had done. Over the next months, that girl would try to put her life back together amidst the people who knew what she had done. The only thing worse than suicide, is attempting it and then having to live in a world where everyone knows you tried. But over the next year, her life began to change. And the Lord began to work.

14 years ago on that hillside in Denver, a girl came into agreement with the enemy and almost allowed him to write the last chapter of her life. But in a matter of minutes, the holy spirit stepped in and broke the hold that the enemy had. I believe a battle waged over my life that night--and my God won because he still had work to do.

When the Lord told me that today was the day I was to launch my new "blog", I could not understand. This anniversary day for me has always been hard. I am always more emotional on this day. There have been many years that on this day I swear I can go outside and smell the smells from that day, hear the sounds and see the sky as it looked that day. So WHY would I want to commemorate that day by sharing with the world what happened.

              "Because what the enemy meant for evil, I meant for Good."

Well ok then Lord...I will share about that day then!!

I think many of us can think back on a time when we wondered what this is all for. A day when we felt so destitute and hopeless, that we wondered, Lord how can you EVER turn this around? How can this ever feel ok? How can you  ever use me?

But this is what I know, 14 years down the road from one of those moments in my life---our God will use our lowest of lows to bring us closer to him. He will use our most broken moments to allow us to build relationships with people who have gone through similar things. He is not finished with us yet. Whatever the struggle is today--he will not leave us to figure it out all alone. It might feel that way ( cause I can sure tell you it felt that way on that hillside years ago!) but just in the perfect moment, he will step in and fight our battle with us.

14 years this side of that night, I know that my God has plans for me. The emotion I feel in knowing he loved me enough to battle for me that night, is something I can't put into words.  I just know I am so thankful he did.

---- L