"Listen to me! For I have important things to tell you.”

 Some may know--others may not--but last fall was a hard journey for me. We had moved to the coast, and I was struggling to see the  Lord in most days. But then he would show up and give me hope.
It was as small as a mustard seed at times...but it was something. And sometimes thats all he asks of us. This is an excerpt taken from my journal in September...early in the journey of learning to grasp the mustard seeds when they come along!!

Wednesday was a really hard day for me. I knew Life groups were starting up and I missed my girls. I spent Tuesday night with a small group of doulas—and while I left there feeling thankful for some time with women, I also left there feeling discouraged about starting my business new in this very hard area—I know I have a long road ahead of me.

Wednesday afternoon got even harder after the phone call from the realtor to discuss why they house is not having viewings and potential issues with foundation damage. I hung up sick with worry.
Then Wednesday afternoon I received a word from "C"—that she had got while starting the book on the names of God. The name was 'Elohim' = The Sovereign, Mighty Creator. One of the facets of 'Elohim' is He makes covenants with His people.  And he made one with Abraham in Genesis. In this covenant, God commanded Abram to do 3 things: 1. leave his country, 2. leave his relatives (friends), 3. travel to a land that God would show him.  "When you fully obey My first words, I'll continue to speak to you."  And " C" then said to me “God loves radical obedience and he trusts those that obey even when they do not understand and do not see the layout of the future.  He loves you Lesley!!  He trusts you with much because you obey much!!!.”

 I read these words and felt first thankful and then immediately discouraged. Read on.

 Thursday morning I woke up for my early morning time with the Lord and decided to just be honest. ( I am re-reading through the Gateway devotional “ In Jesus Name” and Wednesday was on honest prayer.) Being honest with the Lord. So I was….in my journal I wrote that I felt I was in this place of grasping at a mustard seed size of faith at this point. We had been obedient—we had picked up everything and left--- when many days I thought leaving my husband and running home with my kids was a much better answer. BUT here we stood on this desolate island that has little choices for churches, while our home is not selling and may end up costing thousands of dollars in repairs that we just don’t have,  the home we live in now is managed by awful people who I am constantly in confrontation with about money, repairs and getting what we have paid for.  I am dealing with debilitating migraines again and I think the weather here is part culprit. I can’t afford to join a gym, so I physically feel bad. Trying to serve doula clients feels very daunting right now and I wonder how I will ever do my job well when I have been away for so long and have no idea when I will get to attend a birth again. The list goes on---but it all brings me to this point of feeling like I am grasping for something from the Lord—ANYTHING to feel that what we did was right and he SEE’S it.

I then went into my morning devotional for Thursday…called Pinpoint Obedience. The general point was being obedient any time you heard that small voice, nudge so that you could audibly begin to hear Gods voice. I have never felt I struggled in hearing Gods voice in general—yes there were times he seemed silent but for the most part, I  feel that God really speaks to me and I hear him. But the past few weeks I have struggled hearing his voice when he is talking ABOUT me. I hear him when I am praying for others, I hear his nudge of placing people on my heart, but I get nothing when I am asking for hope, guidance, something for ME. But as I continued reading this devotional, I knew the Lord was speaking to me.  This was shared in that days lesson “Years ago, I found myself geographically removed from family, friends, church and ministry … from everything familiar. In the midst of crying, I asked God, “Why? Why did you take me away from everything and everyone I know? What’s the purpose?” His answer still resonates in my spirit: “What if I brought you here so I could have you to Myself?” At that moment, I surrendered to God’s plan for my life with a renewed sense of wonderment and expectation. If I hadn’t heard His voice in the middle of my storm, I would’ve continued under an emotional cloud without clear purpose.”


While I am not sure if I have complete surrendered to his plan with wonderment, this did speak directly to my heart. I felt like the Lord spoke THOSE words to me in that moment. Again---reiterating the covenant that the Lord made---to take one away from everything they know so they can just hear HIM. Sigh.  I felt like I spent the entire last year in a place where I was just to hear from him ---does he really want me all alone so  I can hear him again? ( yes I know—dumb question but you have those moments when you want to ask the Lord, seriously can’t a I get a little break from learning and growing…maybe a yearlong one??)

These were the last words that stuck with me in finishing that devotional “As intentional as we are about praying, God is just as intentional about speaking. If we’re speaking, God isn’t. We have to be silent— “hush”—to hear His voice. If we don’t learn to listen, we may miss something God wants to say. Proverbs 8:6–7a (nlt) says, “Listen to me! For I have important things to tell you.”
So I finished my quiet time knowing the Lord had directly spoken to me through those words… I prayed that I would hear him and that he would speak TO me, ABOUT me. Although…in all honestly, I was not feeling much hope.
A few hours later I went in my bathroom and saw my Jesus Calling book...realized I had not read it and picked it up. These were the words that jumped off the page for me…”There is no place so desolate that you cannot find Me there.

"When Hagar fled from her mistress, Sarah, into the wilderness, she thought she was utterly alone and forsaken. But Hagar encountered Me in that desolate place. There she addressed Me as the Living One who sees me. Through that encounter with My Presence, she gained courage to return to her mistress.

No set of circumstances could ever isolate you from My loving Presence. Not only do I see you always; I see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in My righteousness. That is what I take great delight in you and rejoice over you with singing!”

 At this point I just sat down and cried. I hear him saying over and over—through "C’s" word, through my devotional and through this word---you are called into this isolate place BUT. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

I went about my day…thinking back throughout about what I KNOW was meant for me over the past 24 and wondering how I can take it all and change my outlook and feelings. Later in the afternoon I received a message from our old neighbor. I was driving down the seawall as it played in my ear---something about a pipe shooting water from our home in Ft Worth, neighbors saw it, city was called and had to shut our water off…more details if we call back. The slam in my chest was sudden—I literally thought I would vomit right then—all these thoughts through my head—water damage, flooding, money on top of the possibility of foundation damage—oh Lord I can’t do this anymore. And then in the next second I heard a voice so audibly, I glanced at my passenger seat because I was certain it had come from right next to me. “ Focus on me. Focus on my face. NO—don’t look that way, don’t look ahead—focus on me. You must keep your focus on me---even when it’s scary. Focus on me, Focus on me. “

Wow. So with all I had—I kept focusing on him. Even as I was driving ready to burst into tears, fearful of what could be ahead—I focused. Later that night I talked with "T" who went to the Ft Worth house  and found out that this water pipe break was minor---a piece of pipe and that the city would fix it. No worries for us. Wow. Ok…so there we have me finally being obedient and the Lord showing favor for that obedience.

But how quickly we forget. On Saturday  I received the review from the Foundation engineer. A minor fix in the scheme of foundation work—but work that would cost an estimate of $3500-$5000 to get fixed. A quick conversation with our realtor revealed that we could not sell this home without this work being done. The longer we take to do the work, the longer it will be before our house can sell.  In an instant I felt like I was going to hyperventilate again---I held it together through our conversation, went in the other room, shared the news with Shea and was overcome with sobs. Lord where are you?? We can not take one more blow—we do not have any more places to get money—how are we going to do this? I felt his voice again—much quieter now, remind me to focus on his face. But this time I didn’t want to listen---I shut it down and let myself continue to wallow in my pity and cry throughout the day. The next morning I got up early for my first ( since we have been here) run on the beach. I knew I needed some time with the lord and this would make me get outside, connect with the place he brought us and make me think. ) 

AS I was making my way down the seawall, crying out my prayers to him while sweating like a pig ( at 6:30am I might add—oh the humidity!!) He again gently nudged me to focus on his face. The dialogue in my head was “ yes I know you want me to focus on your face—but how can I? I cant let THIS go? I cant let my self stop worrying—who will take care of it then?” ( yes you may be laughing but you know you have thought this same thing!”) And that’s when I realized—he just wanted me to let loose of my hold of this burden—I don’t have to carry it like a 100lb weight for it to get fixed or attention.

I think in my infinite brain I feel that if I don’t worry, then it won’t be a priority. I was reminded that over the past 4 weeks, every morning I lay the sale of our house at his feet, and then try not to pick it up again for the rest of the day. Most days I do well—only because to think about it brings me to tears—so I don’t let myself. I give it to him and then let it go for that day. But I have to do it every. Single. Morning. This is what he was asking of me to do with this foundation issue. Focus on him—and let him worry about it. I still played tu-o-war with him for the next 45 minutes over it—but by the time I came home, I was ready to loosen my grip and lessen my worry. I have NO IDEA how this is gonna resolved itself—I am throwing around of ideas of getting a credit card ( we don’t own ANY) just to pay for this. Now while I don’t know if that’s what we will do ( I hope not!), it made me realize that not all hope is lost.

Here I sit a few days later ----same issues, same desolate island, same financial struggles…but this time trying not to carry it all alone. I still can’t see how this is going to all be done without a miracle, but I am trying to focus on his face and let my very lonely, stressed out self, gently rest back on his chest and let him handle it. It’s been some serious days of learning from the Lord—and each moment I wonder if I Will  remember this lesson tomorrow, next week or next month. I am hoping so…and if not, you guys remind me!!---September 4, 2012

Isn't it funny how the Lord can speak to us--but sometimes we don't' want to to listen or just straight out do not want to obey! ( hello--first time obedience did not happen here--I totally deserved a spanking!) But he kept speaking--and I grasped my little mustard seed...and he brought us through. Some days all feel's hopeless--but grasp your mustard seed...and he will do the rest!!

*BTW--we ended up doing foundation work, were blessed with a gift to pay for it and finally sold the house in December...but that part of the journey is for another blog post!!**

"Tell of how I worked"

 Do you ever get perplexed when people talk about hearing God speak? Or are you one of those who clearly hears from the Lord? I have been in both places. But for the past few years, I feel I have come to recognize his voice more clearly. I actually think it takes practice  to hear the Lord. Last week the pastor at our church said something to the affect of this "if you wonder if it's God speaking to you--look at what it is you are being called to do. If it's something that you can ONLY do with him by your side, its likely you are hearing from the Lord!"

 Sometimes I am still  in awe that I can actually hear God speak. Now don't get me wrong--there are many days I question if its really his voice. Or I have those other days where I want to scream out to him  "please say something, anything. Has our phone connection gone dead? I need to hear something!!"

 You will here me talk a lot about hearing God's voice on this blog, becasue really, thats how God has worked in my life so much. In my darkest moments he has spoken. In my desperate days, he has spoken. And when all else has failed me, he has worked...and spoken.

One really great way to hear the Lord speak is to actually talk to him. I don't mean just praying where your speaking to him--I mean a real conversation with him. Where you ask questions and wait for a reply.

The way this blog came to be, is because of God's words to me. Because I asked him some pretty straight forward questions.

Last spring, I took an equipping class at my church. But this was not just any class, this was a women's leadership class. A class that had been closed except by invite only  in the past, but now they had opened it up to see how it could grow more leaders in the women's ministry of the church.

I admit--I felt special being there---but for the life of me couldn't understand WHY I was there. I knew it had been orchestrated perfectly for me to attend this 4 week session, but I just didn't get it. Why did I need to learn more about women's ministry leadership? On the second class--our speaker gave us some homework. She told us to go home and talk to God about this class--she gave us some specific questions we were to ask him.
 So, with my journal and pen in my hand, I started to ask God some of these questions. ( I will share some, but not all..some are still a little private--even for me! )

Lord, why do you have me in this equip class? Why am I in a class on leadership?

....I am preparing you for your calling. Learn how to lead my people.

Lord, how can I can I possibly lead? My stuff/life is a jumbled mess!

Tell your story. The stories where I worked.

Lord who do I tell it to? How will that lead?  (thinking in my head, my story ain't leading anyone to anything except what NOT to do!!)

Show them me. Tell them how I healed you.  How I gave you freedom. Let them see me in you.

 And in the next moment, I put my pen down, and just looked at the words on the paper. And it was as if I was looking at a bible--I saw where I had written my questions in black ink and where the Lord had spoken, the words looked red. ( they were not really written in red but thats how it looked as I glanced at this documented conversation!) 

Now do I really think that the Lord has this calling on my life to go and speak to millions and lead others in some major significant lesson--no, I don't...at least not yet. But I do think he was telling me to do what I am doing now...telling my story. Sharing with people how he worked in my life. Because the thing is...I am not anything special. And if he can work in my life, he can work in yours. And if he can speak to me ( in what appears to be bright red ink!!), he can speak to you.


Wonder where he is at this low moment in your life--ask him.
 Wonder where he was in a past event that was maybe ugly and painful...ask him.
Wonder why you are in the place you are in, RIGHT now in life...ask him.

I truly believe he wants to tell us these things. He may speak it, he may show it in a picture, or he may say it through scripture...but just as he wants to know us, he wants us to know HIM.


-----LS

The Battle

As the 22yr old girl paid for her purchases at the convenient store, she was surprised at how normal  every one around her seemed. She made certain not to make eye contact with the cashier--she really didn't want him to be the last face she saw. It was chilly on this mid-November Denver night-but there was no snow on the ground, so the roads were clear. She didn't really know where she was going until she arrived--just knew she was heading towards her favorite place of Red Rocks amphitheater, where maybe she might feel peaceful. In the seat next to her was a bottle of pills, a bag with some paper, a pen, and some family pictures. She put the newly purchased bottle of vodka and fountain drink next to the bag--and drove. She ended up on a mountain ridge near her beloved Red Rocks--pulled over and mixed the magic "elixir" that she thought might do what she needed it to do. From the moment she woke up that morning, she knew today was the day. She had gone through her work day believing that every person she saw and every task she performed--would be the last time for each.  The crazy thing was she never really second guessed her decision--although she was sad as she saw her roommates for the last time earlier in the evening, all she could think was it all just needs to end. The pain, the sadness, the feeling like I don't belong--it just needs to end.

So her plan to commit suicide on that quiet November 16th evening, proceeded. She grabbed a handful of pills and washed them down with her "mixed" drink. She was out of the car standing at the edge of the hill, looking down at the busy highway below. She never planned on jumping, but just felt she needed to be outside to do this. As she continued to sip from her drink, she kept waiting for the numbness to set in. Waiting for the world to start to look a little dimmer and her life to begin to fade into the background. But the apposite began to happen. As the moments slowly ticked by, she started seeing  images in her mind. The first was a picture  of her baby sister--except her sister was grown up and she didn't look well. She saw people whispering around her sister and they were saying that she was the girl whose sister had killed herself  years before. The next image was of her mom, many years down the road. Except her mom also did not look like herself--she appeared as a shell of what she had once looked like. She too had been struck by years of grieving for her first born who had taken her own life on a hillside one cold November night. The images began to blur as the girl on the hill began crying. The next image she saw flash through her mind was that of her best friend--they had been friends for years and were as close as any two humans possibly could be. The image was of her best friend years later, also broken and worn down from grief. She had known the girl better than anyone--so how could she have committed suicide and she not know how bad things were. The girl on the hill began to feel a pain in her heart at that moment. Her best friend did not know how bad things were because the girl had not told her. She had committed to her act of making things look ok on the outside for so many years, even her closest friends could not know how deeply sad she was.

The girl began to get angry---she did not want to feel this pain now. She had felt like she had hurt for soo long already--why did she need to feel this now. Why was she seeing these images that were literally breaking her heart? She had made the decision, she was going through with it, so why now did she begin to actually FEEL anything.

She took some big drinks and wrapped her hands around another handful of pills. But before she could get them to her mouth, she was paralyzed with another image/thought. Once this was done, where would she be? Where was she going to end up when she died? She had lived her entire life loving Jesus and serving him, but what if there was the chance that she might not end up in heaven if she took her own life? She tried to grasp at any scripture she could recall to make the answer clear, but none would come to mind. Her thoughts began to scream in her head " oh god I dont want to die if I am not going to heaven!" And then the walls broke. She stumbled back to her car sobbing, wondering what she had done. In that moment, she knew she could not go through with her plan. She picked up her phone, dialed her best friend and through sobs, tried to tell her where she was at and what she had done. Over the next months, that girl would try to put her life back together amidst the people who knew what she had done. The only thing worse than suicide, is attempting it and then having to live in a world where everyone knows you tried. But over the next year, her life began to change. And the Lord began to work.

14 years ago on that hillside in Denver, a girl came into agreement with the enemy and almost allowed him to write the last chapter of her life. But in a matter of minutes, the holy spirit stepped in and broke the hold that the enemy had. I believe a battle waged over my life that night--and my God won because he still had work to do.

When the Lord told me that today was the day I was to launch my new "blog", I could not understand. This anniversary day for me has always been hard. I am always more emotional on this day. There have been many years that on this day I swear I can go outside and smell the smells from that day, hear the sounds and see the sky as it looked that day. So WHY would I want to commemorate that day by sharing with the world what happened.

              "Because what the enemy meant for evil, I meant for Good."

Well ok then Lord...I will share about that day then!!

I think many of us can think back on a time when we wondered what this is all for. A day when we felt so destitute and hopeless, that we wondered, Lord how can you EVER turn this around? How can this ever feel ok? How can you  ever use me?

But this is what I know, 14 years down the road from one of those moments in my life---our God will use our lowest of lows to bring us closer to him. He will use our most broken moments to allow us to build relationships with people who have gone through similar things. He is not finished with us yet. Whatever the struggle is today--he will not leave us to figure it out all alone. It might feel that way ( cause I can sure tell you it felt that way on that hillside years ago!) but just in the perfect moment, he will step in and fight our battle with us.

14 years this side of that night, I know that my God has plans for me. The emotion I feel in knowing he loved me enough to battle for me that night, is something I can't put into words.  I just know I am so thankful he did.

---- L